Self Harm *Trigger Warning*

I use to cut myself.  I started when I was 16 during my first manic episode.  I had heard of cutting, seen girls in school who never wore short sleeves and we all knew why, heard about kids being pulled into guidance offices over it, saw tv episodes and lifetime movies dedicated to it.  I remember being in the shower and looking at the disposable razor I used to shave my legs and wondering what kind of relief self harm actually brought. I remember waiting, taking that razor and breaking in until it was just the blade and carefully hiding the broken plastic bits in a tissue before tossing them in the garbage so my mom wouldn’t question it.  I remember running the blade through the flame on my lighter because that’s supposed to sterilize it, right? I remember using an alcohol prep pad to prime my fleshy thigh like I had seen doctors do before breaking your skin. I remember the methodical, well thought out, honestly curious way I went about that very first cut. This was my extremely fucked up introduction to self care. I remember how well it worked. How it stung so loud that it drowned out the emotional pain, and how the blood took a full minute to arrive on my skin in dark red beads. I remember the instant calm that washed over me when I saw that blood.

I remember the first time I was admitted to an inpatient mental health facility a few months later. During intake, the nurse had to count my scars. I remember looking at my naked 16 year old body in a mirror when she carelessly said that was impossible; far too many to count. I remember thinking maybe I should have made them into neat tally marks. How inconsiderate of me to make this nurse’s job more difficult than it probably already was.

I don’t know exactly how or when I stopped. It was slow and gradual so it’s unclear. I didn’t find or develop any great coping mechanism. I just found other ways to hurt myself.

I’m not here to tell you to stop self harming or to warn you about future implications of it.  I still self harm in ways. It’s healthier and safer than heroin and helps more than a jog. It’s not my go to anymore though; I’ve developed a few other unhealthy coping mechanisms over the years like drinking.  My only suggestion is to try doing a little less harm every time. I guess, hypothetically, that could even turn into loving yourself a little more each time too.


22 thoughts on “Self Harm *Trigger Warning*”

  1. Your story is similar to mine. I moved on to different self harm too and I’m still working my way out of a lot but it is that process. Just learningto love and accept myself and forgive myself day by day.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. A very honest post- I really connected with and felt the self-injury. I have self-inured and still think of it as a release, yet your words really conveyed the biting/stinging nature of it. Very well communicated- Thank you.
    Also i really respect the life reality of your ending.
    Peace and love.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Too much relatable in two places.
    Lately, I have realized something curious. If I am not taking care of myself, I get rough skin. Then it’s difficult to cut through and results in several scratches to see red drops, much like if I stumble over a rough road and bruise my elbow or knee. In fact those are more painful, hurt the bones. But if my skin is soft and moisturized, clean of dead skin cells, cuts get deeper with lesser effort and they are more probable of turning fatal. But then, if I moisturize my skin, I am actually taking care of myself and less likely to do anything like this. I sometimes think of this and comfort myself.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. The practice of Asceticism (hardship and self-torture) is the opposite of Hedonism (maximization of sensual pleasures). Both are mental health problems. Ascetics wanted to remove the attachment to their bodies, because they thought the bodies were the cause of their suffering in this life and also the next life, and next lives. They were ignorant of the true cause, which is their own desire, including the desire to get rid of their bodies. We must learn to see reality as it is, instead of having the desire to see a different world. That means no like and no hate, but accept everything that we face in our lives, including going from this life to the next (if there is one). Concentrate on the presence. Live happily now, continue to be happy with what you are and what you have, and you are on the path of happiness into the future. All the best, my friend.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I’m glad you’re gradually trying to overcome your urge to physically harm yourself. I have some OCD problems I’ve had to fight. There were alcoholic problems among my family members. Every generation there seemed to be someone. One cousin gradually drank herself to death. The others kept down jobs but drank heavily when not at work. My brother retired early. You seem to have gone for help and I do hope you continue fighting against your problems. I’ll pray for you. We all have problems and handle them in different ways. My husband was bipolar and in denial about it. I had to find ways to manage things. Thanks for stopping by my blog and following. I appreciate it. —- Suzanne

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Thank you for sharing your story, Colly. I’m glad you were able to find a way thru it. BTW, thanks for the follow on I Write Her. I appreciate it and I hope you enjoy my thoughts too. Have a good day! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I learned of my self harm issues and the reasons for it during my journey last year while I was inpatient 4 times. I didn’t know why I’d ever cut my arm but I remember it meant to punish myself and then hurt so bad. But we can make healthier choices and work towards recovery ♥️ thank you for your transparency 💗


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