A Medicinal History Of The Dopamine Queen








None lol who needs meds









Fifteen. Fifteen drugs in countless combinations over fifteen years. My liver and kidneys are straight up not having a good time. My life expectancy has dropped nine years because of it. It’s been a long and difficult journey.

A few times I’ve been well. Once for three entire years. No episodes; not a single symptom. If you passed me on the street you’d think I was some peasant neurotypical. You wouldn’t know my beautiful bipolar mind was just locked away in a lithium pill bottle and all you’d have to do is push down and turn to let it out.

But, I was triggered again. The meds no longer worked. Or I was so well I forgot it was the meds and stopped taking them. Or I couldn’t afford them. New doctor. New diagnosis. Whatever it was, the meds changed over and over and they likely will again.

But right now they’re mostly working. I’m not symptom free but I have some stability. If you ask me, every pill I took to get me here has been worth it.

In conclusion: I suck at ending posts.


25 thoughts on “A Medicinal History Of The Dopamine Queen”

    1. Your posts are fantastic! I couldn’t have said it better. You outlined the real stuff. I hear you, it sucks. Countless med combination, dosages, new ones. I am also tired of it. That’s an understatement all together!, it really sucks.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I can appreciate your situation as I know someone who has been dealing with bipolar depression for many, many years. I am on meds for a much different reason . . . to keep my glucose levels under control. Thanks for following my writing, and I hope that you will find it worth your time to visit. I will be checking your blog out as well.


  2. I can relate SO much to all this, as I suspect many of us can! I think I may write up my own blog post as a response. It kind of feels comforting to find others who have done the medicine dance as well.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Hah, I appreciated your “my liver and kidneys are straight up not having a good time.” But in seriousness, thank you for being so open and sharing your experiences with medication! This post makes me (and probably many others!) feel some reassurance about starting medication.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I love this! Thank you for your transparency. I’ve tried Over 20 drugs myself before finding a good concoction but it is SO worth it. I’ve found meds are like 40% of the answer, but 60% are therapy and self-care/wellness/spirituality. Best of luck to you. I know the struggle but we can do this. Just as we do every day!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Excellent post! I love your vulnerability, I’m glad your doing good. I look forward to reading more of your blogs.
    I’m Kinda on the other side. My mom is untreated narcissistic personality disorder and probably borderline. They’ve tried to put her on mood stabilizers, anti depressants and she won’t take it and she won’t go for treatment. It breaks my heart and it’s so difficult to have a relationship with her.
    God bless you, will keep you in my prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Over the years, before I was diagnosed as bipolar II, I was tried on multiple antidepressants. They all either caused severe anxiety or I felt really, really bad on them. Finally a psychiatrist put me on Lexapro. Horrible reaction. Long story short, diagnosed with bipolar II and placed on Lamictal. Worked great and still on it. Had that psych that added a bunch of other shit I did not need, change psychs and got off most of it. Recently, too much stress and began with depression and then the cycling. Placed on Vraylar. Stuff is the bomb! Within two weeks I am much better.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. from tricyclics to early SSRI/SSNRI . benzodiazepines. i am wondering if Abilify really makes a difference for you. I have such rapid cycling yet I do not wish to lose my Hypomania, for it is when I am most creative, right before I tip over into destruction.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Thank you for this post! I just recently got Invega added to Lamictal. I had been so well controlled for so many years on Lamictal alone that I didn’t recognize my symptoms until recently even though looking back I started cycling 2 years ago. Not fun, but getting better.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I agree with you more than 100% in this (if there is anything like that 😦 )…i could clearly observe this pain in the person (accompanied by his mom) with this condition for 25+ years, complete break down physically, still mentally strong very strong but in reality totally numb with absolutely no show of any emotions, looking like a machine, surviving to tell his story, in conversation with a counsellor for which, i had been a witness, as a part of a study for mental awareness month, to bring the state of awareness of people “living” (or you can say “existing”) with these conditions in my country, i am giving the link again because i couldn’t bear the agony of that person as he was explaining himself to the counsellor.

    Manic Times – https://rajinikanthv.wordpress.com/2019/05/24/manic-times/

    Thank you again for the opportunity to expand on this…

    P.S: The list of medications that he could remember injesting all through these years: Lithium Carbonate (Full time), Depakote / Valproic Acid/ Sodium Valproate more than 15 years, Olanzapine (more than 8 years), Nexito 10/5 mg – more than 10 years, Hexidol Forte/Hexidol Plus (Close to 2 years – during initial diagnosis), carbamazepine (atleast 5 years), Valium (5+ years),

    Apart from Lithium(350mg * 2 *365 * 28 = 7,154,000 mg or a mind-boggling 7.154 kilograms!), the rest of the drugs were cycled around him for more than 25+ years. (he says around 28 years)

    Common Side Effects: Nausea, Tremors, Hair loss, Sexual problems,Weight gain, Liver damage, Kidney damage, Diarrhea, Belly pain, Skin reaction etc.

    More on this: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/bipolar-disorder/index.shtml ,https://www.webmd.com/bipolar-disorder/guide/medications-bipolar-disorder and https://www.helpguide.org/articles/bipolar-disorder/bipolar-medication-guide.htm/

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Please do not feel disheartened by the 9 years that you have mentioned you were losing in your life span because of these drugs. I remember this passage about the utility of life as mentioned in Srimad Bhagavatham: “King Khatvanga was unconquerable in any fight. Requested by the demigods to join them in fighting the demons, he won victory, and the demigods, being very pleased, wanted to give him a benediction. The King inquired from them about the duration of his life and was informed that he had only one moment more. Thus he immediately left his palace and went to his own residence, where he engaged his mind fully on the lotus feet of the Lord and reached the spiritual abode”. You very well know you are fighting with these monsters or demons in the form of this chronic illness through these drugs, you have been willing all through these years and you are truly trying very hard to make everyone around you winning and your contributions will remain as long as the internet remains.

    Liked by 1 person

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