I’ve been asked several times to share my story; to tell everybody why I’m here. I’ve told parts of that story. I’ve talked about my suicide attempts, I’ve talked about my self harm, I’ve talked about my diagnosis. I have not talked about the reason for all of those things. My childhood trauma.
I haven’t talked about my childhood trauma to my parents. I’ve never talked about it to a therapist. I’ve never told a doctor. In fact, I’ve never told anybody. And I won’t start now. Maybe one day I’ll be ready to share. Hopefully one day I’ll be willing to share. Possibly one day I’ll be able to share. For right now, it’s too painful. It’s far too much. I’m stable (as stable as I’ll ever be) and I don’t want to risk bringing those feelings to the surface.
Science says those of us with bipolar disorder are born without neuro elasticity and the ability to absorb neuro chemicals properly, but it takes some serious trauma to trigger our brains into actual disorder. I was triggered at a very early age by a series of events no young person should ever endure. To me, talking about those times has never felt helpful. It has only ever triggered more negatives than positives. A lot of it I have blocked out quite well, in fact.
To me, it doesn’t matter what got me here as much as it does what I’m doing about it/with it/for it. I’m going to therapy and taking my meds. I’m owning it and opening up to help those like me. I’m advocating relentlessly for those that struggle with any mental illness or emotional trauma.
I think it’s beyond commendable of those people who are willing and able to share their full stories and let us in on their trauma. I want to personally thank every person who has shared their trauma experience. It truly makes our community stronger every experience that is shared. However, it’s not acceptable to pressure others into sharing their experience. For some it’s much too painful.
So I’m not sharing now and I won’t likely share any time in the near future. You know that by the nature of my illness I have had past traumas but it’s not necessary to rehash them to Advocate properly or effectively. Thank you for understanding.